Original party: Darius, Tom, Tiejo
Alecstar Inco, Cameron Piper, Ginger Protestant, Emma Pseud, Tino
Jasp Underground, Thew Protestant
Vallus, Col. Stavros Supprus & army
Outline * Lorelei * side stories
The Order * The Balance * Those Meddling Kids * The future
34 * 35 * 36 * 37 * 38 * 39 * 40 * 41 * 42 * 43 * 44 * 45
author's notes: if i ever mention minutes, it's a mistake, should be centhours. Horses should be striders.
Be sure to add any expressions that are used to wiki's slang article.
Try early on to make it clear why Tom and the Band would consider following Darius, while also making it clear that he doesn't think of himself as the leader, since there's nothing to lead yet. Also reasons why each of them wants to bring down the Second Order. Possibly there's a scene where something big happens that makes the reader think they're right. But later they all realize they were wrong. (And in the end they realize they were right, or rather, if they'd had all the information they would have been right, but based on the information they had at the time, they'd been wrong. Whatever.) Like, just a couple of major turning points in the plot... the setup, then the reversal, then the arrest (re-reversal.)
Darius finds many things in life unacceptable, but has no choice but to accept them. Things that are beyond the power of anyone to change. (shoganai) But some unacceptable things can be changed. Some things people can have a choice about. But the Coming didn't give anyone a choice, it was too carefully- surreptitiously- planned. There wasn't really time for dissenters to have a real chance of stopping it or ameliorating it in any way. What he really wants is to give everyone a choice.
Wonders how Tom's account earns him money, seems like bank would lose money on that deal. Don you usually have to pay the bank to hold your money? Why would they pay you? Almost seems like you're stealing or cheating them. Someone mentions "runs," which Darius finds unacceptable. Every single person should be able to withdraw all of their money at the same time, and if the bank doesn't have all their money immediately available, they're stealing. If that's not how the system works, the system is stupid beyond words. (But maybe Darius already knew some of this, which is why he doesn't keep all of his money in banks, or maybe none of it.)
Early on, Darius thinks about how weird it is to be finally doing what he's been fantasizing about all these years. It's a whole new phase of his life that will take probably many years, and he's not sure how it's going to go, but maybe that's for the best. Chaotic. Meanwhile, he's uncomfortable traveling with people he doesn't really know. It's not the first time, but it seems like the start of something more permanent, and it's the first time for that.
There's a fine line between euphoria and depression. It's like lightness of heart... but lightness can feel a lot like emptiness. And people can fill that emptiness... except for me, they usually can't. But purpleshade, it's like it covers the hole in my heart, so that it becomes possible to be filled.
When Chaos is thinking about secession... Darius says maybe a country is, or should be, a relationship between villages, just like a relationship between people. Some people just aren't compatible, and just as it would be a mistake to force a romantic relationship or a friendship, it's also a mistake to force a relationship between villages. A country can only work if the individual villages are truly compatible. And of course, some people remain single their whole lives. It's a bit of a shame, but it doesn't mean they can't live full and happy lives, so there's no reason a single village can't be at its best alone. It can still be friendly with other villages, but it doesn't need to be married to them. During the years after the war, I wanted all the villages to go back to being single, but now I wonder if I wasn't just projecting my own feeling that there's no one out there who's right for me, or for whom I'm right, onto the world itself. Of course I've never had a problem with people getting married, even if I probably never will, so now that this metaphor has occurred to me... I can't have a problem with villages getting together, either. As long as they're right for each other. But what we have now is basically an arranged marriage; a totally un-Landian concept. Villages should be allowed to choose for themselves whether to remain single, and if not, which villages are best suited to, um... marry. Tom says "What happens if some people in a village feel differently than the majority? They may not want their village to be married to another one, but don't have a choice. Should they just move?" Darius says, wryly, "Well you know, what village a person chooses to live in is kind of like a marriage..." "Alright, just forget I asked."
Make sure the name Kizin Planner is named somewhere early on.
SHANTY IS 400-500 MILES FROM TRISCOT, NOT 200 MILES. (Or change map.)
Possibly separate book into sections based on villages?
Ch. 4, Ginger may say that, like Tino, Black Radly reminds her of a band she was in, in her teens. They were looking for a new sound, but never found it. "Clearly, you kids have. Congratulations." (although she did later find the sound, in recordings provided by Sizinia.)
possibly chapter 6, if not elsewhere, mention how people on Earth apparently can have casual sex, which any Landian human would find disturbing, since they wouldn't want to have sex without being in love. And being in love necessarily means wanting to spend the rest of your life with someone... until you reach that point, you're just "in like," no matter how much it may seem like love. In fact, you must differentiate between loving a friend and being in love, which is tricky because you might be dating someone and truly love them as a friend, but not yet be "in love." But while Darius likes that Landians' feelings in such matters are closer to his own than people on Earth, he still feels different from Landians because he couldn't even kiss without being in love.
Darius says all Landian humans inherently feel alone, but they still have the capacity to believe they don't have to be. That one day they may find someone who takes away their innate loneliness. I lack that capacity. (This is why Terrans, who can feel deeply lonely, are also capable of having sex without being in love. Their loneliness just isn't as profound as a Landian's, so it's easier to feel that it's been overcome. Whereas Landians know damn well that their loneliness hasn't been overcome, unless and until they find the one who is truly right for them. Which is not to say some might not settle for less than the perfect mate. Or in some cases they might be misled by their hearts as easily as the average Terran is, if they have come from a situation that is much worse than that of the average Terran. They almost have to have been abused their whole life, in order to feel the way normal Terrans feel.)
Mention embarrassing things being much more embarrassing than for most people (even things most people wouldn't even see as embarrassing at all). And unfair things seeming much more unfair (mountains out of molehills / planets out of sand). Unacceptable things really being unacceptable, but still having no choice but to accept them. (Most people seem to misuse that word, because they don't have that much trouble accepting unacceptable things. They just mean "I don't like this." For me, when I say unacceptable, I literally mean 'impossible to accept.' And yet I have no choice but to accept these things, so basically I'm doing the impossible, several times a day. Maybe not six times before breakfast, but probably at least that many by the end of the day. Nor do I feel that I am misusing the word 'impossible.' Although... maybe it would be more accurate to say I act as if I accept things that I find unacceptable. I suppose that's not impossible. But it's still an almost unbearable strain on my sanity.) Nothing makes sense, hate being confused, by things both external and internal. Sometimes just want to rant and rage, but that would be wrong, so I don't. And usually the only way to deal with that means just bottling up emotions, which we all know isn't healthy. It could lead to an explosion of rage, total insanity... but in my case I'm sure it won't. All it ever leads to is depression, though of course there are any number of reasons for depression aside from that. And someday suicide. (Maybe this should be in the beach scene instead of the forest scene.)
Darius doesn't think he can make his problems sound as dramatic as they feel. Words fail to convey pain, because when he tries to think about it, it makes no sense. All he can say is that his brain magnifies his pain to ridiculous degrees. But talking about it may help because saying it out loud reminds him how ridiculous it sounds. (Though Emma may say it doesn't sound so ridiculous, and she doesn't think anyone has a right to demean the feelings of others, whether those feelings make sense or not.)
Darius spends more time conversing with his new companions than he ever thought himself capable. But still, he spends a great deal of time either reading, or just in quiet contemplation, and he appreciated the fact that his companions did likewise. He'd had adventuring companions in the past who felt the need for almost constant talk, and he was not at all comfortable with that.
When Cameron is explaining chakra and mana, say some of the others already knew about that, but felt it would be impolite to say so. Or something. Also, maybe get rid of Cameron mentioning auto surveillance for divulging too much about sorretry.
If I haven't done this, edit in Darius asking Ginger how her leg is, the morning after the Applespruce incident. Also, before the fight someone may comment on how strange it is that the inn is named after two trees which aren't known to exist on the Land.
Change what Emma says about her parents in chapter 6. They should have been older when Emma was born, since she's their fourth child, and their oldest, Robin, would have been in his late teens by 901, when purpleshade was introduced in Woodstockade.
One of the main things that Cameron and Emma originally bonded over was their common ability to like just about anyone, a trait neither of them felt like they shared with many people.
If Cameron didn't like to hang around with friends because they disliked others, why does he want to be in the Chaos, if their purpose in existing is their dislike of the Order?
Why didn't he start disliking the people who talked bad about others? Because he knew them well enough that there were things to like about them. You can't really hate the totality of a person because everyone has some good points. If you think you like everything about a person, or if you think you hate everything about them, either way it means you don't know them well enough. I'm sure I could find things to like even about enemies in war. Even the people who killed my parents couldn't be all bad. Sure, I hate them, but it doesn't mean I think their friends and relatives are wrong to like or even love them. So... the ridiculous little things my friends complained about were too trivial to even worry about. It was annoying, but it didn't make me hate them. Because my hating them because of one thing I dislike about them would be as wrong as them disliking the people they disliked for whatever trivial reasons they had. But seriously, feeling someone doesn't deserve to be liked, or worse, that they deserve to be mocked and ostracized, because they like a certain type of books, or aren't good at sports, or whatever.. it's crazy. Even if I shared my friends' dislike of certain aspects of certain people, I wouldn't judge them entirely on that. But my friends saw no reason to bother looking for anything they might like about those people. And I'm not saying everyone should be friends with everyone. It never bothered me in the slightest that some people have no interest in being friends with some people; what bugged me is that they honestly seemed to believe no one should be interested in being friends with them. That they weren't worth liking just because the things they liked weren't worth liking. Or that there must be something wrong with them, because it was inconceivable that anyone wouldn't like the things they didn't like. That's actually one of the things my sister hated most about the Coming, and why she fought on the side of the Protestants: Bishop Kizin and the other Planners basically thought there was a way of living that would be better for everyone, and so they decided to change the world to reflect that. And anyone who disagreed was obviously wrong, so their opinion didn't matter. In a way, the war was just the biggest example in history of a group of bullies picking on the people they didn't like, for utterly ludicrous reasons.
Ch. 10, Darius mentions name "Jasp" reminds him of "Jaspar." This inspires conversation with Ginger (move from ch. 21).
Ginger recommends an author, a woman who's best known for fantasy stories like Jaspar's, but the book he buys is a detective novel. (Possibly mention philosophy in Jaspar's books, which leads Ginger to recommend detective novel that also includes philosophy.) Later Wants to get it back along with fedora. Later lends it to Tom. (Or had earlier lent it to him, and Tom wants to get it back with carpet.) Darius says he didn't see the end coming, but Tom thought it was obvious, so Darius says maybe he should be a detective. Tom says "Well, there's one trade I haven't tried yet...."
Have Darius or Emma ask Jasp about the terms "don" and "capo," explain that they're apparently the reverse of what they mean on Earth. (Emma may have wondered about this before, when her subword sense kicked in the first time she heard the terms.) Or possibly Jasp says it's short for Capo di tutti capi. Also have Jasp mention the Larami-Seth rivalry by names.
If I don't have a mention anywhere of Cameron casting anti-scrying spells, add one.
Rewrite mention of Tino being mouth harpist. He plays ocarina and siku.
ch 13 before going into glade, Tiejo senses bandits in hiding, warns Darius. Darius wonders if he might convince them to join rebellion, but Tiejo doesn't think it's a good idea. Maybe they'll kill us before the rebellion even gets started.
Rethink releasing the striders and having Adam later pay for them. Maybe instead just ride them into town and return them to intervillage rental franchise, U-Ride.
Sometime after ch 17, Emma should say it's hard to believe someone who gets as depressed/suicidal as Darius can also be so silly, sometimes. Darius agrees, but... that's just how it is. (Though he does feel guilty about saying he suffers depression when some people who do so seem to always be depressed.)
At some point (maybe when Darius says Ginger seems serious) mention that Ginger and Emma have some things in common, even though Ginger is about 10 years older than Emma. This is one reason they get along- many of Ginger's old friends have grown up, and she sort of hasn't. It's also one of the things she loves about Tino.
20- Tiejo says "What do you supposing he meanted, 'soon there will be places for people like him.' Do you thinking he plans to building shelters for 'ratses?" Someone says "I rather doubt it." but offers no alternative explanation.
21- move convo between Ginger and Darius back to ch 10, replace with question of how he's liking the book so far (maybe it's one Ginger hasn't read yet).
On 22 Sp'mo', Emma should mention that it's Mor's Birthday, a holiday celebrated by Elves.
Possibly edit an earlier chapter to show Darius or someone seeing workers setting up bubble-speakers in some village they're passing through, and idly wondering what that was all about.
Edit 23, talk to Rune about masters union.
Edit 24 and 35: Alecstar didn't actually kill any enemies, but rather wounded them, incapacitated them... but even if he didn't deliver any killing blows, he knew that he left them vulnerable to other Order soldiers. So many Protestants must have died as a result of his actions, who otherwise might have lived.
Someone may wonder what Adam smuggles. (Did I already address this?) Contraband of some type, but the question of legality may remain... possibly some things are not universally illegal, but only against the laws of certain villages. Like fireworks, possibly illegal in Triscot. Or maybe legal there, but not somewhere like Ship, which too closely associates them with use of huo yao in weapons.
30- When Darius asks about pirate speak, Alphonse should mention Pike.
36- consider rewriting so Darius is just a bit melancholy, possibly mixed with happiness, instead of being depressed. Or leave it alone, I dunno.
When learning about name Alecstar, Darius should be surprised at the spelling, since it sounds like Alexter. Or earlier than that actually he'd learn because of hearing the name Star, which confused him. ("I'm not quite sure how you get 'Star' from 'Alexter.'" Emma laughs and says "Yeah, the pronunciation confused me at first, too. But it's actually spelled A-L-E-C-S-T-A-R.")
When it rains, talk about Mr. Squish-Squash.
Third Three News, anchorman Philip Wordsmith.
While in prison, Darius thinks he's glad Marian and John didn't join the Chaos. At least that's two people avoiding this fate he led all the others to.
Possibly at some point God says it's funny that most parents read stories to their children, but while people think of him as the "Heavenly Father," it's his children who tell him stories. So in a way, the beings he creates are like his parents. It's all very cyclical, which is perhaps appropriate, considering the way he came into existence.
Thew may ask if the causality loop that explains God's existence couldn't also be used to explain the existence of a universe without God. Particularly considering their current situation proves time travel is possible, so couldn't an event in the future cause the universe to create itself in the past? God may say, "I suppose so, but seeing as neither scenario makes perfect sense, it seems more sensible to me to predicate any explanation of the universe on the idea that existence itself is inherently beyond the ability of sense, or science, to completely account for. That is to say, whether you believe in science or in me, you ultimately have to just take the ultimate origin of the universe on faith. And if you're going to do that, it makes more sense to have faith in the explanation that requires faith as the foundation upon which the explanation itself is based. Don't you think?" But what if some people are unwilling to take either explanation on faith? If they insist that there is a scientific explanation of the ultimate origin that does make perfect sense? ...God shrugs. "Then I guess they'll be pretty damn disappointed."
Find out if Demos has deal with gangs concerning drugs, Health Department.
Change Heywood to Ed.
At some point Cameron may want to use his scrying bubble, and say, "Drat! I dropped it." Darius asks where. He says "First Village." "When were you in First Village?" "Nine hundred twelve years ago." Darius may think to ask why t-mail didn't work, and finds out no one else had a t-mail bubble with them.
The Turners hide out in Ristar with Hermione Middsclan, whom they knew was a member of the Cabal. Hermione may owe some debt to Durell, or may simply respect his efforts during and since the Coming. Her hatred of the Protestants (and the Chaos) will be reinforced when her husband Conrad is killed along with the Zutara during the Chaos War.
At some point Alec complains that movie newsreels may put newspapers out of business. Probably discusses it with Stavros. (Tino could suggest newsreels be done in mid-Atlantic accent.)
Early in imprisonment, Darius tries to explain all his issues to Woodman. Woodman asks, "I get that you're in pain, but couldn't you at least try to explain it more eloquently? The way you talk about your emotions is so boring, it doesn't really convey a sense of pathos, you know?" "I'm afraid that's not where my particular storytelling talents lie." "What talents? I tried reading one of your stories, and frankly, I'm amazed you ever get published. I'd tell you not to quit your day job, but... if that was adventuring, I guess it's a bit late for that admonition." (Darius may say he basically said the same thing to Emma, that his attempt to explain his feelings sounds just as boring as Woodman says, but Emma disagreed. "Of course, she's a much nicer person than you.")
While in the dungeon, Darius thinks about how before that he'd often felt that the tiniest inconveniences in life could feel like being imprisoned and tortured without a trial, having committed no crimes. "I always wondered if that was an accurate description of my feelings, and now I know it is.")
Did I say at some point that Tom got money from Dex or Frank? If so, why didn't he just get that in the first place, instead of taking out a loan?
44- exposition prior to rescue can be cut and explained in brief, later. Stavros may tell others why he made his move when he did.
45- Spirits are forbidden to directly interfere in any major way, such as killing. This is the main reason Tino rarely traveled with the Band. As much as he wished he could join them on adventures, there would have been too much risk of having to do something he couldn't do- or would be punished if he did.
ch. 47 or anywhere that mentions a jury should be changed. The Land doesn't have juries (yet).
48- When Suzu says she lost her music, Nadir asks how that happened. She says "God knows."
Someone, probably Dave, should say there's a Terran quote, "If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans." (Or possibly Ginger says this in response to Darius talking about how his revolution didn't go at all the way he planned. Not that he had any plans. But if he did, this isn't what they would have been.) Dave says that's how he feels about writing: if there's some god of fiction out there, telling him how you plan for your story to go is probably a good way to make him laugh.
ch 50, possibly Ginger slits Seth's throat immediately, without any talk.
Write Ginger's speech. She asks Vallus for pointers, he says what she's done is as good as anything he ever did. "My name is Ginger Protestant. My father, as you may know, was Therman of Plist. What you may not know is that he never intended for the Protestant Movement to become a new religious denomination, and he certainly never wanted a war. And yet, both of those things came about as a result of, and in spite of, his actions. Now I find myself in a similar position. I don't want war, either, but a war there shall be." (Mention the need for temporary housing and feeding of 'rats, which people might do whether or not they themselves volunteer to fight. Or ask that they donate whatever they can to the Plist regiment.)
Meet or mention some of the characters friends from past adventures or just from life. Especially Ginger mentions some of the Protestant recruits in Plist who she trained with were old friends.
ch 52, Dirk gives Gillian a translocation beacon encoded to get past the force field around Demos's office.
53- Demos has Justicar arrested by his royal guards, held in an undisclosed location.
Make absolutely sure to get the point across that Landians tend not to do the "just following orders" thing. They think. They have choices. And while a few might go along with "evil" orders, because they themselves are evil, most of them are going to follow their conscience. This could be explained by Tovan and Althis, or by Mr. Yellow (in bonus scene, thinks about what Tovan and Althis said). Can't understand how bad things can get on planets like Earth, how soldiers or police can follow orders or do evil or unlawful things. How it's harder on the Land for leaders to attain greater power than the law allows, because the people under their command aren't mindless automatons. (Reference Rico & Who Watches the Watch Monogs?)
Various people have plans to take over the cabal, when Phin is gone. Dalin, Noson, Denari, maybe others. Though some, like Marlowe, may be happy just to move from mid-level to senior positions. And Manat is content to retain his current position, for the time being, knowing he still has powerful friends both within and without the cabal. He's playing a long game.
Possible quasi-canon not in book:
In the end, Tino provides Darius stories of the battle between chaos & order, the eternal struggle, "a most popular and prolific theme of fantasy and sci-fi, not to mention real life." Lets him read stories not only of other chaos/order battles from other worlds, but of Darius's own life (only after the events detailed have already transpired), in books written on Earth nearly a millennium earlier. Also Darius asks what the writer's personality was like. Tino says he described himself as somewhere between Leonard and Sheldon. Tino compares Tiejo to chamberlain, gollum, zathras, yoda, toastboy?
"So you've known all along what would happen? Then why get involved?"
"It was written."
"Anyway, why would a spirit spend time reading old books and playing in bands and such? Don't you have better things to do with your time?"
Possibly mention that if Lydia had seen been don of InterGang in Tanq, she could have had her spies watching the exit of the tunnels, which she knew about because in 905 she had sold the former hq of the Stags to Dex. Probably none of the other gangsters knew about it, or at least wouldn't have thought of it.